The Soldier
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At school he bullied every child that was smaller than him and cloaked the toilets.
He skipped high school, had an emo phase when he was a teenager and posted selfies on tumblr and myspace. He also had a gay ass Monster High doll collection and made his barbies look edgy too.
He tried to run for president during the 50s as he thought he is just the ultimate american and perfect role model for the young freedom fighters of the country, but he lost to Obama because he had a more impressive collection of pokemon cards.
In order to earn money, he took OnlyFans like selfies and printed them on various objects and sold them on ebay.
(much ka-boom stories here)
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The Soldier is a super racist, sexist, homo and transphobic character and hates people who own air fryers.
| EPIC AMERICA NUMBER 1 | ||
|---|---|---|
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|
Real Name |
Jane Doe | |
|
Species |
||
|
Sex |
White | |
|
Date of Birth |
probably I guess | |
|
Nationality |
FREEDOM!!!!! | |
|
Relative(s) |
- America (father) | |
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Residence |
Some shit mansion with some smelly wizard | |
|
Affiliation(s) |
Ka-boom | |
|
Rank |
White Straight Male epic American ka-boom explosion freedom cheesburger capitalism dollars | |
|
First Appearance |
WTF2 | |
|
Actor |
Pablo Gonzalez 2004 | |
Appearance[edit | edit source]
He looks actually quite average. Also he is incredible insecure with his eyes therefore he hides them under his helmet. He also uses his helmet to cook soup and he literally never cleaned that shit up (don't wear it, it's full of fucking insects). He does not wear socks.
History[edit | edit source]
Soldier was born somewhere west murica and is literally the child of America, it's like god and jesus but it's America and Soldier. After 9 months he has hatched out of a fetus placed inside a McDonalds ice cream machine. (don't worry they are constantly broken anyways you won't eat soldier fetus rests in your ice cream)
He grew up like a normal american; really stupid and can't math shit nor knows any country other than america. But they invented burgers and sex so america is fucking epic. #SCREEEEEEEEEEE
At school he bullied every child that was smaller than him and cloaked the toilets.
He skipped high school, had an emo phase when he was a teenager and posted selfies on tumblr and myspace. He also had a gay ass Monster High doll collection and made his barbies look edgy too.
When he was 19 he lost his virginity to 20$.
During WW2 he wanted to do some fuck hitler and fuck germany stuff, but the army didn't want him. Later that day he cried in the corner of his room until his dad America told him he should just kick german ass anyway. He flew to poland and killed a bunch of "nazis" until he noticed WW2 has already ended years ago, he spend too much time playing GTA SA that he didn't even notice years have passed. And he wasn't even in poland, he was at the north pole because he can't read shit, and he didn't kill "nazis" he just killed a bunch of polar bears.He tried to run for president during the 50s as he thought he is just the ultimate american and perfect role model for the young freedom fighters of the country, but he lost to Obama because he had a more impressive collection of pokemon cards.
In order to earn money, he took OnlyFans like selfies and printed them on various objects and sold them on ebay.
Some year during the 1960's his dad asked Soldier if he wants to join the fight between the Red and Blu shit brothers as a mercennenenry since his dad was close friend's with the administrator. Especially shortly before Soldier hatched the friendship between America and the Administrator was very special ඞඞඞඞඞඞඞඞඞ.
(much ka-boom stories here)
He teleported bread and had a relationship with a bucket, that might have escalated but I dunno...
While being super racist against anything that even dares to not be american, THIS HYPOCRIT LITERALLY FUCKED RUSSIAN PUSSY. He had super hetero sex with Heavy's sister, BRUV. But since she's, well, russian, he tries to americaphy her in true american fashion, his father would be so proud man.
Soldier about to fuck russian pussy
- Zhanna2.jpg
They did sex
Soldier showing Zhanna american exclusive stuff
Soldier americaphying Zhanna
Zhanna being almost full american
Zhanna being full american
Years later Soldier and Zhanna's first child Mike Teavee was born. Not shortly after Zhanna gave birth to their other child Donald Trump and Miley Cyrus.
During the unreleased comic #7 events, he has saved the Duo owl from the Engineer. If he just appeared a few seconds later Duo wouldn't have made it and would never have posted twerk videos on tiktok. He later joined the resistance that is still working on a better name in order to defeat the god powerful Engineer. During the battle, he got his balls kicked in by Heavy for getting his sister pregnant.
Soldier was killed 2014 by area 51 guards for attempting to escape with a highly classified item—Windows 9.
Trivia[edit | edit source]
- He likes to cut his toe nails with his teeth.
- Eats pizza hawaii.
- His ball hair is 10 inches long.
- Broke a FNAF 2 speedrun.
- He is responsable for browser search history option.
- His favourite Madagascar movie was Madagascar 3.
- Still orders Happy Meals (can't blame)
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