Tarot

Minor Arcanas

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The Tarot (タロット, Tarotto^?), or better understood as tarot cards were once another kind of gaming cards in Europe from the mid-15th century onwards, similar to a 52 card deck with the 4 iconic suits but have drawn away from that and are now more used as the basis for certain forms of Magic, in particular that of Golden-style Magic, fortune telling, and occult shit in gimmickiest way to foresee your future in the most generalized way possible. Still more entertaining than reading your palm or trying to make out something in a crystal ball.

There are two types of cards in the deck, Minor Arcanas and Major Arcanas. Minor Arcanas are pretty much just the regular old 52 card deck, only instead of diamonds, hearts, spades and clubs, it's swords, cups, rings (sometimes pentagram coins) and... clubs. Whilst the Major Arcanas are like Jokers, I think. You got 22 different ones to choose from. You'd think they'd replace face cards but no, the Minor Arcanas have face cards too.

Here we’ll only be focusing on the Major Arcanas, their etymology, and what they mean individually should you draw them to predict your next month of your life.

0 - The Fool

This card is neat. As you can see this man is travelling with his pet dog to the next Irish pub. The dog is actually you, and the napsack is the trash you've produced along the way, and the man is your travelling companion you've been blindfly neglectful to ease the burden of your bullshit. Drawing this card means you’ll gain a new interest in something, like getting invested in a story/saga to add to your collection of nerd shit you’re interested in, or it could be actually useful, like learning that you enjoy cleaning a filthy room more than you’re used to, and get a job in cleaning a hoarder’s apartment studio.

Summary:

Another addiction to rot your brain.

I - The Magician

This card may look good, but it's actually fucking sad. It means you'll be wasting money, pain and sweat to get a Masters degree, to never land a job that fits that field of the qualifications you studied for, not only that, but you haven't gained anything from your time at uni, like networking and so on, because you were too busy studying to do anything else. You finally got the parchment and only the parchment, but at what cost. The sword represents your struggle to fight for the wand Harry is wielding, and the cooking pot is your future job as a McDonalds employee instead of a wizard.

Summary:

An empty reward for at what cost.

II - The High Priestess

Oh boy, I’m not a fan of this card thanks to The Binding Of Isaac, if you pull one of these bad bitches, a giant foot from the sky is gonna stop on you, hope it’s not upside-down cuz if it is, it’s gonna keep happening more than once with no way of telling when it will cease. The black pillar with the letter “B” is her BBC for whenever she feels hungry and the white pillar on the right with the letter “J” is the the tube she uses to extend her leg so she can stomp her foot on you with.

Summary:

I hope you have a giantess stomping fetish, otherwise good luck with that misfortune.

IV - The Emperor

You’ll but some new clothes, but these clothes are special. They are gonna be overpriced branded clothes. You could’ve gotten cheaper clothes of the same quality, or bought some more heavy duty clothes for the same price. But something will convince you to get a Supreme T-shirt over the former two, one way or the other, be aware, and choose wisely, king.

Summary:

The emperor’s new clothes.

IV - The Empress

Wtf is this!? A woman as a ruler!? Can't believe this shit occult shit had succumbed to the woke mind virus agenda they keep shoving down our fuckin' throats! What does it even mean? It just looks like a lame rehash of the emperor. I’m blaming Persona and astrology girls for this crap! I heard they make new ones sometimes, but do they really have to make this after replacing The Knight?

Summary:

Why?

V - The Hierophant

This is a cool card. If I remember right, this means you'll gain a cult following on the internet, large or small, who knows; what is for certain is that there will be porn made of you or your internet avatar. The pope rabbit is you and how your orbiters see you, the other bunnies are your fanbase and the keys on the ground is your private information primed to be leaked by your loving fans.

Summary:

Treats from the Internet.

VI - The Lovers

If you get an upside down lovers. It means you're gonna break up soon, or if you don't have a partner, then lucky you. You're gonna find a tragic story about separated twins or partners something like that. If it's face up however, it means you'll get a message from a pen pal or you’ll have a long texting session in your pms, instigated by a friend of yours.

Summary:

Cool experience.

VII - The Chariot

It means that your ticket to happiness lies in the sigma grindset, the unicorns represent drive and hunger, and the lyre is power, your goal is to devour, putting in the work and the hours and take what's yours, (btw the unicorns' names are Black and Samoan) bringing your culture bangin' with the lyre as you sing to everyone who your name is.

Summary:

Endless Hunger.

VIII - Strength

Finally an actual good card. This means you’re gonna actually get a winning streak on something like a night at Super Smash Bros at your friend’s, or you finally found the words you’re looking for to speak that language you’re learning, and feel as tho you’re fluent at it. Dorthy represents you, and the lion drinking cherry cola from Dorothy’s bottle represents your neglected skills finally taking a shine.

Summary:

You're on a roll

IX - Hermit

Not much to say other than you spent too much time on the internet only learning how sickening humanity can be, instead of going outside and being reminded how caring and charitable the human race can be, try spending more time at a group event that incentives you to communicate, like going to society group, or something.

Summary:

HOLY SHIT! GO OUTSIDE!

X - Wheel of Fortune

This is the laziest card I've seen, what it means is that 'anything could happen'. Besides that; what on earth is going on in this card, 2 guys riding on a wheel with stalks whilst a blindfolded angel with her tits turns the wheel to trip them out? I don't know, perhaps they're playing The Wheel of Punishment.

Summary:

Too lazy to make a summary for this lazy card

XI - Justice

This card looks to me it has something to do with TempleOS, judging by the sword and scales the bloke is holding. Not entirely sure what this card means as I’ve seen conflicting meanings like, you’ll find bad things, or lost things. But I think after drawing this you’ll just end up finding feds everywhere, glowing in sun and the moonlight.

Summary:

You are now literally Terry Davis.

XII - The Hanged Man

This is a cool card. This Jojo looking ass character right here was sitting on a tree trying to watch a woman taking a shower, only to be startled by the fact he got caught, and fell off the tree, only for the vines to catch his left leg, leaving him dangling like a retard, only he wasn't annnoyed by this, cuz now he's got a better view of the naked lady from this perspective. What this means to you is that you'll soon see something you know, in a new perspective just like this creep.

Summary:

Accidental learning experience.

XIII - Death

I like this card, it features a skeleton and they're cool, not only that but he's a pirate bringing all the booty he looted back to his pirate ship, arrr!

But really, this card means you're straight up gonna die! Simple as that, and there is nothing you can do to prevent this. It's over pal!

Summary:

Boo-hoo, suck it up and deal with it. Don't Cry, it's embarrassing

XIV - Temperance

Wtf! This angel is mixing vegetable oil with ignited firewater!? This is gonna blow the who fucking cauldron, much the same way as a gay lover realizing that their gay lover is a raging homophobe on the internet, and that raging homophobic gay cunt is YOU!

Summary:

Your hypocritical secrets have been revealed!

XV - The Devil

Oh shit, if you pulled this one, you know you angered the gods. What will happen is that between now and next week, you’ll wake up at 3am, go to the toilet groggy, and unleash the most painful shit you’ll have all year. You'll be bending over your knees for 40 minutes with a pain in your arse, trying to release something that feels like scissors up your buttocks. Creeping closer and closer to coming out, until you finally unleash hell out of your colon, as a reddish brown liquid shit coats the entire basin, for what also feels like forever. Soon you think you’re done, only to stand up and realize this was only the beginning.

Summary:

Montezuma's Revenge

XVI - The Tower

Not much to this one, it means you’re getting doxxed and harassed by the soyjak party for the next month or so. The lighting is the cruelty of the internet mailing you a pipe bomb and the tower is your living space being blown up by said pipe bomb and all the people falling down are you, your family, and the delivery man having to deal with it.

Summary:

Looks like you’ll have to take refuge somewhere else for a while.

XVII - The Stars

Better take the bed or something, cuz you're gonna feel dizzy and black out pretty soon whether you get knocked out or you start to feel hella nauseous. Either way, you're gonna see, well stars. Best case scenario for your near future would be that you’re high on LSD.

Summary:

Your blood is gonna be as light and tingly as the cosmos.

XVIII - The Moon

Watch out, if you get this card. Look at your tarot reader straight in the eyes and book for it. What this means is that a big bad wolf will come out for you at midnight, horny and fully erect, and will force you to slurp up his spicy, hairy schlong, tear open your asshole a new one and leave your blubbering, sore ass outside a skip. Only for the milkman to come along and do the same thing to you. The meteors coming down are the rapists and the moon is that moon from Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask.

Summary:

You’ve had a shocker!

XIX - The Sun

Heard it's the best card to pull from the deck, compared to the moon where any situation is bad, the sun generally just means good fortune, like big good fortune. Worst case scenario, there will be a heatwave. And remember the sun will always be watching you, why? Because he likes you.

Summary:

Never a frown with golden brown

XX - Judgement

This is card means karma has caught up to you and you're screwed. The angel as you can see wants to perform a trumpet solo of Sweet Caroline but his music skills have so much fire, people cower in anguish as the angel is unaware of how disruptive, loud and straight ass his performance is. This means something is gonna keep coming back for the rest of your life, and you better hope it's something you enjoy, cuz now that song you just heard is now stuck in your head.

Summary

Earworm

XXI - The World

Well this is it, the final card! Now anything grand about this card that has something big as "THE WORLD"? Nope, it just means you're gonna move house or finish your dumbass projects or something like that. That's all. All the faces in the corner are your furry friends wondering where the naked chic in the middle been the past month or two, as she was too busy getting ready to move out than to lollygag on the internet. and the two scrolls the chick is holding are her dual citizenship passports, who knows what countries they're from.

Summary

Earthworm Sally Carrying diseases from Florida to Cali!